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[22 Nov 2005|06:28pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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So he once wrote me a letter that said "It doesn't help that that damn frog just sits there and watches me which constantly reminds me of the fun we had just hanging out which in turn drives me down the hill for a 2 minute smoke which doesn't happen which reminds me how hurt you are which drives me back up the hill to the frog again which reminds me how happy you can be which makes me want to fix it again"
Well, Pisces died today. I found her shriveled up and dried out. Similar to my heart (I know; very dramatic). But in all seriousness, why does God take one of our few good memories and turn it to shit. Especially a memory that actually entailed some integrity, honesty, and innocence. Possibly for the sake of symbolism.
And it was only 0600.....the day got worse.
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[15 Nov 2005|04:22pm] |
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mood |
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 lazy |
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So everyday I come home from work with the intent of doing a shitload of laundry (not just a load, but a "shit"load) and everyday internet, television, and sleep prevent me from doing so. I mean, seriously, laundry is not that hard to do. I think it's the threat of folding.
So, I've had an awesome couple of days:
- forgot about dude and now, of course, dude can't forget about me
- crashed Fight Night, some black tie event in DC
This included:
free drinks
pictures with Evander Holyfield and MC Hammer
spending no money
dressing up in pretty evening wear
- a certain promise from a certain someone to take me to see a certain movie
- spending the weekend at Jim's parents' property on the Potomac
This included:
shooting shotguns and rifles
3 home-cooked meals a day with deserts made from scratch
watching the sunset over the water from the pier
lots of sleep
Tivo
Umm..yeah that's about it. Not spectacular...but better than it has been.
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[08 Nov 2005|12:33pm] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
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compare mine to sherry's and think i'm funny :)
33 things about me that you probably don't care about:
1. whatever i say behinds someone's back i am always willing to say to their face i just often choose not to.
2. i'd rather have someone be blunt with me and hurt my feelings than lie to me in order to make me happy.
3. True til 22 and started smoking when i was 23 (who does that?!)
4. i hate doing anything alone. This includes sleeping and using public restrooms.
5. from the age of 17 until 21 i had chronic yeast infections (mostly due to a latex allergy)
6. i had a very extreme fascination with pro wrestling when i was a child.
7. i love megatouch and could play it for hours.
8. i listen to XM radio's top 20 station way way way more than i listen to any of the indie rock/punk/hardcore stations because the songs are catchier and i love to sing along.
9. i refuse to acknowledge my parents' anniversary because my dad still mentions to this day that i forgot to get them an anniversary card 5 years ago.
10. i feel really guilty when i spend a lot of money on clothes, food, home goods, etc yet i spend money on my vices daily and don't give it a second thought.
11. sometimes i go to work at 0500, come home at 1400, cry myself to sleep, and wake up at 0400 to go to work the next day (but i'm starting to get/feel better).
12. i have plans to go to Europe, Key West, and LA next year.
13. i lost 15lbs in 2 weeks a few months back.
14. i have a gym membership that i haven't used in at least 8 months that i really need to cancel.
15. i have not regularly attended church in the past 2 years and i have every intention of going back.
16. i'm am terrified of dying.
17. i am really scared that my mom is going to die before she ever makes amends with my sister.
18. i learned how to read when i was 3.
19. i don't trust anyone yet i tell everybody everything.
20. i seriously want to go to vet school, but it's going to take 2 years to get through the whole application process.
21. when i was 10 years old, i had a broken wrist for 2 days before i finally convinced my father that it was broken and he took me to the emergency room. At the emergency room dr york proceeded to stick what seemed like a 10 inch needle in my arm, inject me with demerol, and pop my wrist back in to place while i screamed
22. i want to move back to maryland so bad.
23. i really really really want to own a house because I can't stand the thought of paying the ridiculous prices in NoVA for rent and having nothing to show for it.
24. i was my grandfather's least favorite grandchild because I talked too much. One year he gave my sister $400 for xmas and gave me nothing right in front of my face.
25. i got in trouble for reading charlotte's web on the playground in 1st grade because my 1st grade teacher was a bitch
26. i always seek advice but never listen to it, ever.
27. i think i'm better than most people yet often times i still hate myself
28. i rode on the back of a motorcycle on Friday (which the driver laid down!) and I'm going to shoot skeet this weekend. I have no experience with knives other than to butter my bread and cut my meat.
29. i can't stand when people won't admit when they are wrong yet the two people I'm closest with right now ALWAYS have to be right.
30. i sleep with a pillow (known as "little pillow") that i have had since infancy every night...and i'm not embarrassed by it at all.
31. i assisted in a $300 surgery on a hamster with a prolapsed rectum at my old job.
32. i am in love with a married man
33. i am a terrible cook. i have trouble cooking scrambled eggs. Though I do make a mean hot dogs in mac n' cheese
Hope you enjoyed. I miss and wuv you sherry!
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[08 Nov 2005|12:11pm] |
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 relieved |
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Growing stronger and stronger by the day
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[18 Oct 2005|04:19pm] |
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Some days I think i'm going to be just fine and other days my little heart hurts. I have a lot of things going on right now that I'm excited about. However, I often find optimism to be so...delusional. Realistically, if we always got what we expected then we would never be surprised and in turn never be satisfied. I just don't want to turn into one of those people that has everything yet appreciates nothing. I am totally aware that cynicism can be so blinding which ultimately holds us back from obtaining the true objects of our desire. Honestly, is anyone ever 100% content with their lives? It seems everybody wants more and more and even more on top of that. For myself, I think I have simplistic needs: love and happiness. Yet, there are so many derivatives that are encompassed in those two categories they seem utterly impossible to achieve. I guess the real question is: does life ever work out for the best or does one make the best out of life?
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[16 Oct 2005|08:36pm] |
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I think most people watch movies and yearn for the life of the actors/actresses. I watch movies and want the lives of the characters. What would be better than living in the city you love in a home you love with the person you love working the job you love? I want to do something drastic. Something along the lines of moving to LA or NYC or even something not so drastic like moving to RTP in NC so I'll be able to make more money and afford a house. It's scary because I tend to make these decisions to better my life but rather, with time, I grow bored or get bit in the ass. I still can't decide if fate has a way of creeping up on you and blowing you out of the water when you least expect it or are we totally responsible for our own destiny and only get what we want if we truly work for it. I tend to believe working too hard for something unachievable borderlines obsession. Maybe I need to just enjoy life more in order for it to take me where I really want to go. I would think if someone gives you that little push in the right direction but you are wearing lead shoes you tend to just fall over.
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| Who Will Help Me When I Fall |
[08 Oct 2005|10:21pm] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
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music |
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Ashlee Simpson on SNL |
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I was going to fill out that survey that Joseph posted in his last entry, but my answers were so negative that I figured it would be pretty self-defeating. I'm in a weird state in my life. To sum it up in a simple statement, I'm content with being discontent. Of course I will not leave it at that...I will elaborate:
I feel unappreciated at my job. A job that I have dedicated a lot of time ...who am I kidding...a job that I have dedicated my life to. Last year I worked an average of 60 to 80 hours a week. I lived there...many nights literally. But I was ok with that. I started working there during a time when I was so unhappy with the state of my affairs (ie friendships, family, relationships) that any distraction from what I knew as reality I whole-heartedly accepted. Now I struggle to get 40 hours. Partly because the hours just are not available. Partly because I'm bored with the projects. Partly because the most challenging part of my day is dealing with lazy, dishonest, selfish people. I thought I was taking a step to improve this by applying for two supervisor positions. I was actually taking control of something as opposed to waiting for something to fall on my plate. Alas, my confidant turned into competition and a hiring freeze rendered the other position unavailable ( a position I was sure to get due to the lack of prospects..."a race that I couldn't lose"). I am just frustrated to see something that made each day seem so exciting and bright turn into something so tarnished and dull.
I feel so alone. I haven't had a real relationship in over two years and it is very disheartening. This is not to say I have not progressed or matured over the last year or so. I have definitely gotten over that crap where something not working out was indicative of eternal hopelessness and despair. As previously mentioned I am in an odd state in my life. A state where I acknowledge my faults yet recognize my worth. A state where I do not try to avoid the inevitable however I often attempt to touch the intangible. A state where I embrace and love the person I am but I am convinced that my compliment does not exist. I'm ok with all this...again, content with being discontent.
So this is my conscience effort to change my life without changing my life. I have this terrible habit of submitting to the anguish and grief that goes along with heartbreak and disappointment rather than facing it and accepting it as an opportunity to cultivate and improve myself. And in turn I attempt to abandon what is familiar and comfortable in search of something new and exciting in order to serve as a distraction. I want to set goals to find new interests and hobbies and discover new pleasures in life without withdrawing from the people I am close to now and completely altering the life I have made for myself. Therefore, trivial occurrences such as a bad day at work will not seem so discouraging and devastating. Truthfully, what I really want is to honestly say that I'm doing great when someone asks me how I've been.
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[02 Jan 2005|09:24pm] |
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 relaxed |
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Wow it's been so long. It's funny that I never update this anymore and my life is probably the most eventful and entertaining it ever has been. Actually, my life has always been somewhat dramatic. However, this time my drama doesn't affect anybody (or anybody they know) that reads this so it's more like watching a soap opera or reading a trashy romance novel found on aisle 2 of the supermarket. But aside from all that....
I'm in Cali and i'm B-O-R-E-D. The last couple of days have been pretty ok, but for the most part I've been doing the family thing. Arrived in Cali Sunday night. Monday I went to the mall and bought some makeup since I left all mine at home. Tuesday went to the mall AGAIN with my sister and my brother-in-law's family. I swear I've been to the mall in the last 30 days more than i've been all 2004. Wednesday I went bowling with the family. Then we took the kids to an arcade and out to dinner. (I promise it gets better). Thursday went to Universal Studios to do the family thing once again. While I was on line for the bathroom some lady came out of her stall and asked me to unbutton her pants because her hands were numb from the cold (it was like 50 degrees out). I think I would have peed my pants before I asked a stranger to do that. I helped her out. Is that weird? Everyone went out to eat after the park, but i had to watch the OC so I went home. Friday I took my sister to the spa for her Xmas gift. We got facials and massages. Then I caught a flight to Las Vegas, met up with Jamie, John, Ryan, and Andrea (so so so happy to see them..it's been way too long), won $1300 playing craps, met John from Arkansas, and flew back to Cali 12 hours later. Saturday I slept all day because I felt like ass, my hair was drunk-girl greasy, and I smelled like Vegas. I woke up to a home-cooked meal prepared by my sister. I ate dinner, took a shower, and went to bed. Today I went to some bowling party for my sister's friend's kids. Then I spent my winnings on Melrose. What I won in Vegas paid for my trips to Cali and Vegas and the majority of the shit I bought people for Xmas. I still have a lot left over so I think I'm going to donate something to red-cross or some kind of organization that is aiding those affected by the Tsunami. So I just got back from the gym. Tomorrow I'm going to Newport Beach to get my hair did at the Paul Mitchell hair school and then probably do some more shopping. My flight leaves tomorrow at 9:30. I'm excited to go home and go back to work. I miss The Boosh.
Sorry this was so boring. I promise the next update will be scandalous.
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[25 Aug 2004|05:58pm] |
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This whole finding a place to live business is really getting to me. Do I want to live in the city or closer to work? Would I rather find a roommate or live alone? Do I want to buy my own place or rent? The worst part is deciding how much I want to spend. I want to find a really nice place. The problem is I haven't decided whether i'm going back to school or not. If I go back to school I need to start saving for that. Find some fancy place in a great location sounds more than ideal, but I don't know if it's the right decision right now. I don't want to invest a lot of time/money/creative energy on a place if I'm just going to be out of there in a year (I have moved to a different place every year since I moved out of my parents house 5 years ago.) Sometimes I just really want to stay here. I want to convince Kim to use her education to get a better job so she can afford to live here. I don't know..working retail at Petco and living with the parents is so not appealing to me. But on the other hand...it's days like today when I come home to Xuxa shitting all over the kitchen and Mazzy throwing up on the carpet and a trillion dishes in the sink and dust bunnies in the corners and a wasp nest on the balcony that makes me want to get the fuck out of here...quickly. I just want to start over. I want to do it right this time. F having an OCD mother that cleaned up EVERYTHING after me and i mean everything from making my bed to picking the hair out of my hair brushes so that I never learned to clean up after myself. Maybe I'll just move to Leesburg. It's close to my work and cheap as shit. The apartments are really nice and some of my work friends live down that way. I'm just afraid that I would get bored being so far from the city. But to be perfectly honest I don't really hang out in DC all that much anymore. Oh well...it will all work out. It always does.
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[20 Aug 2004|06:16pm] |
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mood |
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in matters of the heart......the boy always wins
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[03 Aug 2004|12:36am] |
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mood |
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 productive |
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Last night I was sitting on the front step of my apt building and this is the conversation I overheard from the balcony above me:
Random Girl: So the funniest thing happened to me today.
Wanna-be Frat Dude: What's that?
RG: I was about to eat a hot dog and I was putting ketchup on it and I almost got it all over my shirt!
WBFD: Haha Ohmigod that would have sucked
RG: Haha, good thing it landed on the floor.
WBFD: Haha, that's awesome
RG: Yeah I squeezed out a parabola of ketchup
WBFD: Wow, a PARABOLA! That's some smart shit
RG: Haha. I'm like a mad scientist!
WBFD: Yeah parabola is a pretty smart word. So was like your hot dog the maximum or the minimum of the parabola...
I stopped listening at this point.
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[15 Jul 2004|01:07am] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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It's an amazing feeling when a friendship develops between two people with nothing in common simply because that friendship is founded on sincerity and honesty rather than personal gain.
Sleeping in your underwear is also an amazing feeling.
I'm baking cookies and I have yet to burn the apt down. I never cease to amaze myself.
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[20 Jun 2004|05:36pm] |
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mood |
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lazy |
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On the way home this morning I saw the kissmobile. No joke this was a car made out of three huge hershey kisses. The cab of the car was one of the hershey kisses so the person driving it was inside a hershey kiss. I don't know what purpose it served or where it was going, but I loved it.
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[10 Jun 2004|01:02am] |
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mood |
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thankful |
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All this time I've placed value in the wrong ideals and more importantly the wrong people. For so long I've tried to be part of something that I had grown out of long ago or maybe never belonged to to begin with. I have a handful of people in my life that have impacted my whole outlook in general (especially in the last few days). Maybe they just say the right things (you know, the things I want to hear) or happen to be in the right place at the right time, but whatever the case through their companionship and friendship I am learning that I should never regret the decisions I make if they truly make me happy and more importantly I should never hate the person that I am.
My advice is this:
Appreciate the people in your life. Rather than fault one another for your imperfections, seek satisfaction in each other's finest attributes. Rather than constantly condemning one another for your failures, celebrate each other's accomplishments. Rather than talking shit, fucking forgive/forget. God, we waste so much time sitting around trying to analyze everyone else's actions, words, thoughts. If we just accept people with open hearts and minds we will ultimately feel better about ourselves (i really don't mean for this to sound like some first step lyrics or anything).
Personally, I've spent too much time trying to figure out what/why/how things go wrong, And I've definitely spent WAY too much time trying to figure how what's wrong with me, what's wrong with them, what's wrong with you.
Wow there's so much I want to say, but I it's late and I don't get very much sleep as it is. Besides, I'm terrible with words... Epiphany over....The End...goodnight...
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[06 Jun 2004|03:38pm] |
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mood |
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good |
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GREEN is definitely DEFINITELY the new BLACK....
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[29 May 2004|12:08am] |
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mood |
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 embarrassed |
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So I totally just set the kitchen on fire trying to make Mac-n-Cheese. My God I'm worthless.
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[25 May 2004|12:52am] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
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i work too much
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[04 May 2004|08:03pm] |
pretty fucking accurate (minus the typos).....
FEBRUARY:
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract.
Intelligent and
clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy.
Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest
and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves
freedom. Rebellious when
restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and
easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but thoes
not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves
making friends but rarely
shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing
dreams and hopes. Sharp.
Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the
inside not outside.
Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to
learn to show emotions
What does your birth month say about you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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[04 May 2004|07:47pm] |
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mood |
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 full |
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It's a shame that the people that have the most impact on our lives probably should have never been part of it at all
It's a shame that we learn our most valuable lessons from our worst mistakes rather than our greatest triumphs
It's a shame that love often hurts and at times hatred can feel so satisfying
It's a shame I'm too much like my father....
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[23 Apr 2004|07:35pm] |
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mood |
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discontent |
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The more you ignore me, the closer I get. You're wasting your time.
If Morrissey cooed that shit in your ear...you would cream your fucking pants....
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